“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: Declining Literacy Rates

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This episode is all about bullying, and Nina gets the ball rolling straight away by calling Aja’s elimination “rough” (and you know how sensitive she is about her skin). Sasha hates to see her Brooklyn sister go, but Manhattanite Alexis doesn’t mind putting rivers between herself and the others and then burning the bridges. But she’s right: at this point in the competition, if you’re not winning (like Shea and Trinity), then you’re losing. This fact has Farrah and Peppermint on edge, because neither of them has gotten top marks on a challenge yet. Their names exemplify the very different approaches they take to their worry: one stays fresh, while the other just moans. Oh, and according to the judges, Valentina is still perfect. So I guess we know four people who have RealDolls under their beds.

s9e08 01With so much post-elimination hubbub, the girls have absolutely nothing to converse about the following morning. Neither does Ru, really: she comes in with her novelty sunglasses on, and by this point we know the drill. One by one, the ladies step up to share mildly humorous observations about each other, and they’re all… well, you know how a first-grader with a Dr. Seuss book and a Ph.D. student doing dissertation research are both technically reading? Same concept here. The important thing is that everyone put in their best effort and had fun doing it. Participation awards all around! Except for Valentina, of course, who takes the win for unclear reasons. I’m assuming witchcraft. Like, if she doesn’t receive a steady stream of effusive praise, she’ll curse Ru with a lifetime of doing her own makeup.

In light of everybody’s tepid mini-challenge performance, the mood in the room darkens significantly when the main event is announced: another roast, this time with Michelle Visage as the guest of dishonor. Valentina gets the dubious prize of assigning the evening’s running order. Like the rest of the show, it only matters if you’re first or last, but unlike the rest of the show, most people want to be somewhere in the middle. You need a whole lot of confidence to open or close a gig, and Alexis is just the showboat to volunteer. (Which is not, by the way a comment about her size, which she would consider unjustified. On the other hand, if she was hypothetically talking trash about someone’s physical appearance, for instance their teeth, just to pull an example out of thin air, then that might be a different story.)

s9e08 02So yes, offense was taken, but the discussion of how heartless everyone is diffuses into a more generalized series of grunts and whines as everyone vocalizes at the blank papers in their hands. I’m assuming that during her check-ins with the contestants, Ru reminds everyone that when you want the words to sink into the paper, you need to use a pen. She also introduces Ross to the workroom, where he will stay until he has helped everyone create at least one identifiable punchline. To say that would be like pulling teeth for him is an understatement; with some of these girls, he’d have better luck actually performing amateur dentistry on them. (Which not a comment about Shea’s teeth. Inexperienced dental work is the last thing she needs!)

s9e08 03During runway preparations the next day, Farrah apologizes to Alexis for fulfilling the requirements of yesterday’s assignment, and then Peppermint put things in perspective by talking about the physical danger she regularly encounters as a trans woman of color. (Side note: it didn’t actually go down like that; you can tell by Sasha’s make-up that this whole discussion is lifted from the day of the Snatch Game. I assume it was moved because we need to make sure we sprinkle a uniform amount of tragedy into each episode.) Besides, if Ms. Michelle wants to feel some body positivity, she can just read all the glowing reviews she’s getting on Reddit. You can dry your tears on a new twink’s ass every day of the week, mama.

Someone needs to fix the oven, because the temperature of this roast is really inconsistent. And my dreams of a runway to redeem the weaker performers are quickly dashed, because we dive directly into critiques without a single outfit change. At least that means we get to look at Trinity’s blacked-out tooth and Nina’s painted-on glasses for a little longer. The judges basically state the obvious: Shea kicked things off well and Sasha succeeded by merging her brains with some bravado. But Peppermint stayed true to her namesake by being sweet and ice cold at the same time, earning her the win she needed. Meanwhile, there’s no question that Farrah and Alexis will have to lip sync: if they had bombed any harder, they’d have left a smoking crater where the runway used to be.

s9e08 04It’s honestly a toss-up for me in terms of who performs the song better. I give Farrah a lot of credit: for the several seconds that the camera actually focuses on her, she seems to be doing a wonderfully energetic little hoe-down. The running split probably went a long way toward keeping Alexis in the running, but I’m not sure if Dolly Parton songs warrant acrobatics. Also, I personally had to dock her a couple points for pulling a tiny witch hat out of her panties. BITCH WHY DO YOU HAVE A TINY WITCH HAT IN YOUR PANTIES? Like, we just covered how painting yourself green was not a reference to The Wizard of Oz, and now suddenly it is? Besides which: I think you know that the standards for a costume reveal on this show are higher than that. These judges aren’t satisfied unless you transmogrify yourself into a different species at this point. But she survives, tacky prop and all, and the show hears its last Moan. Shine on, little highlighter addict, shine on.

 

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: Prom ‘n Mama Drama-Rama

drag race header kffIt’ll be a long time before someone is chosen America’s Next Drag Superstar, but as they return to the workroom, the contestants have other crowns in mind. Shea nominates Peppermint as the latest Lip Sync Assassin (she has a shotgun, remember?), Trinity dubs herself the new Cucu (because I guess we have to keep saying that even after sending Cynthia home), and Valentina claims that it’s going to become the Alexis show from now on (which is weird, because it’s pretty much been the Valentina show since we got here). Speaking of recasting, Sasha auditions for the role of Farrah and nails it. I say give her the part: let’s get a double dose of the Brains from Brooklyn and remove the Vacancy from Vegas entirely. Then again, why cut your opponents when you can tear them to shreds? Valentina’s blood-curdling scream as her sister “helps” her to de-drag sends a clear message to the remaining racers: Ms. Taylor is here to tuck you up.

s9e07 01The following morning, the editors include the usual “it’s a new day” clip, but then stumble upon a much better way to prove that time has passed: the girls discuss the weird dreams they had last night, culminating in Alexis’ admission that she had a sex dream about Sasha. Honestly, I would love it if every day began with a couple minutes of rapid-fire analysis of what everyone’s subconscious is trying to tell them at night. These people are under extreme duress; there’s probably a rich vein to be mined there. In fact, they should take a page out of the Bad Girls Club handbook and have a fake therapist come by once in a while. Hell, that’s a whole Untucked-style spinoff right there! (Dear World of Wonder: I am willing to part with this intellectual property for an extremely reasonable amount of money.)

But instead of using the time for something that would interest me personally, the producers bring back the video message from RuPaul, followed immediately by the spoken message from RuPaul. (I assume there is also a coded message from RuPaul that only gay illuminati can perceive; I checked to see if she was typing in Morse code with her eyes, but as a higher life form, she barely ever blinks.) This week’s main challenge, she announces, is to act out a comedic script based on Beverly Hills, 90210. While I reminisce about how much I enjoyed watching that show while I was in high school, Farrah announces that it premiered the year she was born. I remind myself not to be angry because she is a human Snapchat filter.

s9e07 02Ru puts Peppermint in charge of assigning roles, spinning it as a reward for “winning the lip sync” rather than stating it plainly as “being the second-worst last week.” Trying to use her powers for good, she asks everyone who they’d like to be before making her decision, but the effort backfires when Aja doesn’t get either of her first two choices and has what doctors refer to as a fussy-poopy-diaper-baby bitchfit. (Fun fact: the spellcheck function on my computer does not question the word “bitchfit” because modern technology can sense how gay I am.) Shea, with the eager acquiescence of an estranged father visiting for the weekend, readily jumps in to propose a trade so that everyone can get along. Peppermint, with the pragmatic decisiveness of a weary single mom, calls the swap final and tells everyone to pipe down so that mommy can rest for ten minutes. Ten minutes! Is that too much to ask?

Everyone has different methods of preparing. Some, like Farrah, add quick… quark…  quack… I don’t know, I guess someone named Kirk is coaching her on her line readings. Other people, like Alexis, convince themselves that they’re ready by telling everyone else what to do. Guest directors Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling further prep the ladies by performing a scene of their own as a reminder that acting talent was never one of the prerequisites for the stars of this program.

s9e07 03Filming gets off to a strong start when Shea, in the old lady role that she didn’t want but volunteered for anyway, positively demolishes the scene with her razor-sharp timing and ridiculous look. Not to be outdone, Nina decides that she will also demolish the scene. Her method (skipping every other consonant) is technically effective, but not in the way she intended. The next scene isn’t scripted to be all about Trinity, but it becomes all about Trinity. Her outsized comedic talent shines so bright that Farrah’s over-highlighted cheek picks it up, making her seem funny by association. The opposite happens in the following bit; Valentina is a black hole, and the attention paid to her must be taken away from Alexis and Sasha, even though both of them honestly do a totally capable job.

Oddly, the ladies who chose their own roles have the hardest time. Though she could have had any character, Peppermint seems to have picked the one who doesn’t deliver a single punchline, and thus fades completely into the background. And Aja’s hard-fought battle to claim the bitchy girl title must have tired her out, because she has nothing left to give when it comes time to say her lines. At least the two of them share a memorable kiss. Fun fact: one in four New Yorkers has herpes (which can be transmitted orally), and there are four NYC queens on this season, so…

s9e07 04Anyway, the next day’s pain-by-numbers montage goes into overkill (literally) when everyone chimes in to talk about who they’ve lost. Shea’s father reconciled with her while facing his own mortality, and Sasha’s mother died before she could see the bald beauty she inspired; Aja lost both of her biological parents, while Trinity lost her mother and grandmother. It concerns me that so many tragedies were revealed in this episode, because I am afraid of the lengths to which Ru would go to make sure she has dark histories to plumb. By the end of this season, the video messages from home are all going to be snuff films.

The mainstage theme of “big hair” is a thinly veiled admission that we’re all out of ideas. Like, really Ru?! You asked a bunch of drag queens to serve big hair? What revolutionary concept will you pull out next week? Maybe ask them all to put on lipstick, if you think the viewers are ready for that kind of shock. Then again, it’s possible she was keeping it simple so that her 9021-OG guest judges could follow along. Not that I should fault them for having so little to say. How do you even critique this runway? “Well, she sure was wearing a wig.”

s9e07 05It’s a tight race for the top spot, but Trinity clinches her second win by turning even silent background moments into full-fledged comedy routines. Sasha somehow lands in the bottom even though she was quite funny and had (as usual) the most unique take on the night’s assignment; aware of the lax logic that put her in line for critique, Ru deems her safe and sends her backstage. For their crimes against fake teen drama (and the real-life teen drama they keep starting), Aja and Nina are thrown into the coliseum and forced to duel. And though Ms. Bo’nina Maidenname Hyphen Brown chose to cover half of her face with prosthetics for a battle that requires expressiveness, she is spared from the jaws of defeat. Aja is a phenomenal performer and she has ignited every single venue in Brooklyn with her talent, but this isn’t the best showcase for her, and that’s fine. Just remember: being good at drag and being good at Drag Race are two very different things.

 

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: Shooting Blanks

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s9e06 01Eureka’s surprise elimination leaves the remaining queens shaken, and tears flow freely as they return to the workroom. I’m surprised how emotional they are about their fallen sister, given that no one in the past two weeks has said her name without the words “shut up” in front of it. Maybe she’s easier to appreciate when you can’t hear her. In an attempt to lighten the mood, Alexis congratulates Shea, but her tone is as genuine as the costume jewelry she’s wearing. Like me, Ms. Michelle is eager to free space in the workroom by packing up some of the weaker contenders. Farrah (who is herself one of the weaker contenders) goes on a teary tirade: apparently Nina’s self-doubt is so strong that it’s bringing everyone else down. Well, everyone except for Shea, whose confidence and charm could probably persuade her opponents to Heaven’s Gate themselves. But she uses her powers for good, defending her sister while remaining secure that she can take the crown the old-fashioned way. (Just in case: no one eat or drink anything she gives you, OK?)

The following day, the editors go to overzealous lengths to remind us that it is the next day. “It’s a new day,” says Alexis. “It’s a brand new day,” says Aja in the very next sentence. Has World of Wonder been getting a lot of complaints about the show’s unclear timeline? Like, is there someone at home who thinks that, because no one has said “it’s a new day” yet, the contestants haven’t been allowed to sleep all season? To be fair, I’ve been losing sleep over this moment myself, because today is the day Ru says the two most beautiful words in the English language: “Snatch Game.” I’m not sure what evolutionary quirk causes my brain’s pleasure receptors to go into overdrive when drag queens impersonate celebrities, but my endorphins are #triggered right now.

s9e06 03Aware of the importance of this challenge, the queens quickly fly into action. Ru makes her rounds, starting with Nina because the smell of insecurity is like chum in the water for her. The two discuss seeking the light and avoiding the dark in what I can only assume is a verbatim preview of a scene from The Last Jedi. Get that advertising coin where you can, you know? Shockingly, this season does not include a montage of two girls fighting over the same character or someone making a last-minute switch. It’s almost as if they all came prepared because they’ve had many years of advanced warning about this exact situation. The only whiff of drama comes from Sasha’s corner when she admits that her analytical bent makes her less obviously funny than some of her cohorts. Just as I’m starting to disagree, she hauls out a Judith Butler act that keenly illustrates her point: I can intellectually identify where the jokes are being made, but have no desire to laugh.

Luckily, once the game is on, she manages to give us classic camp Deitrich and not current dead Deitrich. There are several standouts on the panel this season, including a couple surprises. Shea’s choice of Naomi Campbell sounded iffy, but she finds humor in the character’s outsized prim bitchiness. Similarly, Valentina takes us on a well-built roller coaster of emotional highs and lows as Miss Colombia. And Nina truly does have something to say in her fresh-out-of-fucks embodiment of Jasmine Masters. But the uncontested top dog is Ru’s dream diva Liza as embodied by Alexis. Ms. Michelle mugs and shimmies and giggles her way through the questions, capturing that signature Minnelli mania without sliding into mockery.

s9e06 04But where there are tops, there must also be bottoms. (In fact, I’m surprised how many tops there were in a show filmed in LA.) Aja and Trinity fade into the background as Amanda Lepore and Alyssa Edwards respectively. As Gigi Gorgeous, Farrah fails to find a foothold in her character and mostly sounds and looks exactly like herself. Note to future contestants: please do not portray Farrah Moan in Snatch Game. I expected Peppermint to excel at this task given the personality she serves in her interview segments, but she couldn’t be struggling any harder if she were carrying Nene Leakes up flights of stairs. She owes a lot to Cynthia, though, who saves her from being the outright worst. Despite having an extra year to think about it, Miss Congeniality can’t translate laughing at her into laughing with her, and she manages the Herculean task of making Sofia Vergara flat.

As the ladies prepare for their reductive Madonna runway the next day, a conversation about gender fluidity leads Peppermint to reveal to her fellow contestants that she is a trans woman. Though she worried about their reactions because of the stigma surrounding gender identity in the drag world and the world at large, she receives only love and support and emerges from the experience absolutely glowing at being accepted for who she is. I’m starting to enjoy the weekly tears-through-the-makeup segment, and this one is particularly good because it will encourage the audience to explore their ideas of what drag is. Like, those of you who think “drag” means “a man in a dress,” this is a great reminder that the art form requires neither a dress nor a man.

s9e06 05The mainstage presentations should be fun, but especially after the Lady Gaga recreation challenge, I’m 100% done with watching these queens wear someone else’s clothes. This isn’t RuPaul’s Halloween Costume Race. I legitimately do not care if the girls can find an exact replica of an existing garment. That’s not talent; that’s shopping. Only Valentina manages to stand out from the crowd by making a boldly creative choice and walking the runway in nothing but a couple of censor bars. I honestly think she should have snatched the prize for that choice: everyone else found a look, but only she found an idea. But it’s Alexis who takes the win, and I applaud her performing skills, even if congratulating her for being able to wear clothes seems like setting too low a bar.

s9e06 06Wearing clothes helps Farrah escape the bottom two, however, pushing Peppermint and Cynthia over the boarderline. And when Pep says she’s worried for her lip sync opponent, you better listen, because this woman came armed. Her faux shotgun fires with real accuracy, proving that unintentional appeal is no match for precise execution. Cucu (since she said it so much that it became her literal fucking name) isn’t bad, per se, but also doesn’t seem to know what good looks like. She lucked into some fun moments, but her luck has run out. Don’t worry, she enjoys leaving a room: it gives us one last look at her… well, you know.

 

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: There’s No K in Team

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Emotions are running high following Charlie’s surrender. Most people voice their disappointment with their voices, but Trinity, being a woman of action, jumps for the mirror so hard she almost breaks it. (Good thing she didn’t: that’s seven episodes of bad luck, and she’ll be eliminated long before that.) What follows is a discussion so predictable that there must be a computer program editing the clips together: “I was thrown under the bus,” “I need to stand out from the crowd,” “some of these girls are too confident,” blah blah blah. Part of the reason this season is falling flat is because we’re wasting time with stock phrases that could be spent on people’s individual personalities. When you have cerebral artists like Sasha and shit starters like Aja and legitimate weirdos like Nina, just let them do their thing. Whatever they come up with will be more interesting than the story arc you’re shoehorning them into, I promise.

s9e05 01The following morning, we’re still missing the video message segment (which is honestly a smart cut, since it always had to be re-explained anyway), but Ru announces the triumphant returns of the mini-challenge and the long-lost Pit Crew. The girls are given an unspecified amount of time to get into quick beach drag, then handed a selfie stick and a side of beefcake and let loose. The person who takes the best group shot with the boys is supposed to win, but instead Ru chooses Alexis. (Seriously, look at the picture she took; it isn’t flattering.) Her victory earns her a generous gift card and the authority to assign roles for the week’s main task: a lip sync performance of a Kardashian-themed musical.

Her choices seem just and well-informed for the most part, but there are notable exceptions. It’s unclear where Cynthia would be a good fit, I guess, but making her the center of attention as Kim had to have been a strategic move to make Cucu say bye-bye. Plenty of people don’t get the character they wanted most, but no one has more to say about it than Nina. She didn’t just want to play Blac Chyna: she needed it. She’s addicted to that solo like heroin, and she will not be satisfied until it is hers. She will wander the Earth in a state of endless hunger, forever cursing Alexis and Shea, the harpies who stole her one true happiness. She will carry this hurt with her until she is nothing more than a rotten, unblended corpse, and even then she will probably haunt the studio.

s9e05 02Aja halfheartedly tries to console Ms. Bo’nina Brown Baxter-Birney, but the already-difficult task of mustering sympathy for such a minor slight is made all the more challenging when Eureka hobbles by on actual crutches. Like, she’s got a physical injury that hampers her ability to carry out more than half of the competition’s demands and she’s been assigned the aggressively stupid role of North West the future space demon and she still has a decently positive outlook. Honestly, this whole situation is dumber than asking Todrick Hall to come on this show AGAIN. It’s dumber than asking the audience to be shocked that someone in rehearsal wasn’t clear on the dance steps, as if that isn’t the entire point of rehearsal. It’s dumber than writing an extended musical number about a family from a reality TV show.

The dumb continues for a little while the next morning, when Team New York marvels at Aja’s magically smaller nose. (I’d love to know what kind of crunches she’s been doing in her hotel room.) But every episode needs a serious moment, and this week’s is a doozy: Eureka’s apology for her crack about eating disorders leads to three revelations: Shea used to be bulimic, Sasha used to be anorexic, and Valentina is currently anorexic. So yeah, that’s a lesson learned regarding jokes about sensitive subjects with people whose histories you don’t know. At least she said she was sorry.

s9e05 05The Kardashian musical isn’t exactly a modern classic, but neither is it a total debacle. Pretty much everyone shows up to do their job (these are, after all, working professionals). Alexis chose her own role shrewdly, and makes a meal of her Kris Jenner moments. Similarly, Peppermint’s Britney is better than some of the actual Britney’s recent live performances, and Shea turns her brief cameo into the evening’s best moment. On the other end of the spectrum, Cynthia does that Cynthia thing where she is on a different plane of reality than everyone else: her mouth isn’t in sync with the lyrics, and her impersonation isn’t really an impersonation. The dark cloud of yesterday’s tantrum still hangs over Nina, and no amount of sparkle on Farrah’s cheek can mask the dullness of her stage presence.

After the faux fur runway, the judges have a more complicated situation on their hands: Peppermint and Alexis rose to the top in the challenge, but sink themselves with pedestrian fashion choices. That leaves Shea to stomp off with the win, even if half of her outfit is a repeat of her entrance ensemble. The bottom three pose a similar challenge: Nina and Farrah both served strong visuals, but neglected to get into the Kardashian spirit when needed. (Cynthia is a charming and wonderful queen, but let’s face it: she failed in the musical and she almost never looks good.) But eliminating Ms. Bo’nina Brown Bader Ginsburg for being in a bad mood seems indefensible even by this show’s ever-shifting standards, so Ru submits Cucu and the Iron Lady to the ultimate indignity: lip syncing to a Meghan Trainor song.

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And like Meghan Trainor herself, their showdown doesn’t matter. After watching the valiant (though by no means epic) battle, Ru stops the show to consult with the shadowy cabal of queer illuminati witches that secretly controls the entertainment industry. Their decision, which she relays to the contestants, is that due to her injury, it’s time for Eureka to sashay away. Which is a rude-ass demand, because you can’t sashay on crutches. Here’s how you know that I’m not a member of the secret coven steering this ship: if it had been my call, I would have set the fan base’s hair on fire by following Eureka’s departure with a straight-up double elimination. Seriously, are either Cynthia or Farrah going to win this season? No! Absolutely not! Not in a million years. So let’s streamline things and get down to business. Or, you know, we could do it Ru’s way and keep them both. Whatever.

 

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: What Would Joy Behar Do?

drag race header 4Returning from the latest mainstage massacre, Farrah mourns Kimora’s departure because it definitively makes her the least interesting queen left in the competition. Her polar opposite is Aja, whose time as a contestant can only be compared to a burning firework factory: you know it won’t end well, but watching it happen is going to be the most incredible shitshow. She’s insecure, she’s talented, she’s hungry for a win, she’s seethingly jealous of Valentina, she’s out of her element, she’s young, she’s quick-witted, and she’s televised. It’s incredible to me that Logo knew she was in the cast and still chose not to air Untucked this season.

s9e04 01The following morning, Cynthia congratulates herself for having appeared in four episodes this season, since her Season 8 departure came in the third week. Of course, she didn’t participate in the first challenge, so I’m not sure that her math checks out, but then again what even is time, and more importantly who cares? And speaking of fuzzy interpretations of time, this episode rushes a few things because the crowd still needs to be thinned. The first corner to be cut? Ru skips her usual video message. I’m waiting for “shedonarediduhaaaahuuuuh” and get whiplash when “elloelloello” happens instead. Apparently, there’s no time to waste: the ladies will be hosting morning talk shows for the main challenge and need to pick their teams IMMEDIATELY.

In a continued commitment to arbitrary non-logic, Ru haphazardly rewards two girls with captain responsibilities: Trinity, for winning last week, and Aja, for coming in second-to-last. The leaders then select companions one by one. From now on, we should save time by just asking them, “who do you least want on your team?” The surprise answer this time is Nina Bo’Nina Brown, perhaps because no one believes that you can find success on daytime TV as a finger painting of a gay nightmare. (Even though Kathy Lee Gifford has been doing it for decades.)

s9e04 02Rehearsals are rocky for Trinity’s team, often because her increasingly militaristic approach fails to keep her troops in line. Her main mistake is assuming that it is possible to shut Eureka up: bitch probably carries a back-up mouth in case the first one gives out. Pairing Charlie and Cynthia also shows poor judgment, given that one has a prim little cane crammed daintily up her behind and the other is a lobotomized cockatoo on hallucinogens. In a second illustration of the show’s battle with its own running time, the other crew’s rehearsal is barely featured.

The ladies of “Good Morning Bitches” film their segment first, and they get off to a solid start. Alexis and Farrah might not have bright broadcasting careers ahead of them, but they don’t tank. Aja pairs herself with Valentina to deliver entertainment news (because if you can’t beat ‘em, ride their coattails), and they are similarly acceptable. But none of them need to worry about setting a high bar, because they are saved when Shea and Sasha swoop in with a genius delivery of their sexually charged cooking segment. The next time Trump does something abhorrent and you question your ability to carry on, just remember that you live in a world where two drag queens turned eating chocolate-covered broccoli into niche interracial porn. After the literal climax of that moment, the interview that follows is doomed to be less exciting. Not that I blame the contestants: it’s nearly impossible to make Naya Rivera’s book sound compelling.

s9e04 03“Not On Today” is a better title and a significantly worse program. As anchors, Trinity and Peppermint are less “the lynchpin that holds everything else in place” and more “the dead weight that sinks everything to the bottom of the ocean.” Our entertainment reporters aren’t exactly Emmy material, either: Cynthia can’t stick to the script and Charlie can’t deviate from it, and the result is a wrestling match that they both lose. Even though Nina and Eureka correct course with a decently amusing DIY story, there’s no saving this team from themselves. I can’t tell if the abrupt, possibly premature end to their stilted celebrity chat is a mistake or a mercy.

Tensions creep ever higher as the ladies get ready for the main stage the next day. Concerned about lip syncing again, Aja continues to lash out. But part-time drag queen and full-time hypnotoad Valentina turns the tables, wringing an apology from her enemy before redirecting focus back to her beautiful, beautiful face. Charlie cries as she discusses the friends she has lost to the AIDS epidemic, raising awareness of the importance of testing and the willingness of the producers to exploit people’s pain. But the shit really hits the fan when Sasha asks Eureka not to joke about eating disorders and Eureka gets all “I’M NOT A BAD PERSON STOP SAYING I’M A BAD PERSON” even though 1) Sasha did not say that and 2) refusing to apologize for mocking a condition in front of a person who has dealt with that condition actually does make you a less good person. Like, I wouldn’t say “I’m surprised how thin Eureka’s skin is given her overall thickness” because fat jokes are lame, but if I did say that, I would own up to what a low blow it was. I wouldn’t apologize, but I’d agree that it was a terrible thing to say.

s9e04 04Cut corner #3: the naughty nighty runway flashes by more quickly than a subliminal message. I have no idea how the ladies looked, but I just bought everyone in my family a copy of Ru’s album. It comes as no surprise that Shea and Sasha are chosen as winners, given how great they were and how not-great everyone else was. Aja’s team is excused from the runway, and then Ru goes in for the kill. Having consulted with the producers about the exact amount of psychological torture she can legally dole out per episode, she asks the dreaded question: “Who should go home this week?” No one says Eureka, Cynthia, or Nina because those three did their damn jobs, so they live to fight another day. Peppermint is also excused because she at least has some sparkly charm to distract from the many faults in her look and performance. Trinity and Charlie are left, and the final battle begins.

s9e04 05Or, at least, it begins for Trinity, who flies into a whirlwind. She dances with the force of two drag queens, which helps to compensate for the fact that her opponent is running on empty. We learn that the stationary songstress has a longer name than we realized: Charlie Hides Behind Excuses. I’m sure that 99% of the queens in London do sing live. I’m also sure that 99% of the queens in London aren’t talk show hosts or cheerleaders. But most importantly: 99% of the queens in London aren’t on this stage right now, girl. It’s just you. You knew Snatch Game was coming, so you brought celebrity impersonations. You knew you’d have to walk the runway, so you brought outfits. The lip sync is fucking not a surprise, and acting like you shouldn’t have to do it is insulting. Sorry, Chuck: you were specifically told not to fuck it up and you deliberately did it anyway, so you’re gonna have to go.

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: Take Out Your Rulers

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Now that Jaymes is gone, everyone is quick to point out that she seemed scared and unsure of herself. They were also quick to point that out while she was still here, though no one seems to connect how a roomful of strangers making pointed observations about your skills and personality might lead to feelings of insecurity. Go fig! Which is not to say that the ladies ALWAYS share their opinions: when Kimora says that she was surprised to be in the bottom two, there’s an almost deafening lack of response. As they dedrag, Trinity seethes about the praise Valentina continues to receive (Alexis is going to have to start issuing trigger warnings before she compliments someone) and vows to knock the blushing bride off her pedestal. It’s pretty rare for a queen to win on the main stage two weeks in a row, so it’s likely that Valentina won’t be on top for long regardless, but if you need to cling to that jealous rage, then go right ahead.

s9e03 01The next morning opens with an unannounced “Schtickiest Workroom Entrance” challenge: Alexis and Charlie deliver a short scene, Aja and Sasha do a synchronized jumping heel click, Valentina hits high notes, and whoever is behind her is probably also doing something but the editors forgot that there are other contestants to feature. Luckily, Ru still pays the bills around here, so she manages to steal back some of the spotlight. After her animated video message, she emerges in person to hint to the girls that there might be a hidden camera in the wax figure in the corner. Everyone’s like, A) the wax figure itself is far creepier than the concept of covert surveillance, and B) there’s a full-scale film crew in the room; everyone came here specifically to be on camera. At first I thought this was going to be the setup to a joke, but the whole topic is abandoned before anyone can get to something resembling a punchline, so who knows? Let’s hope it never comes up again, because a plotline where Ru is “secretly” watching the contestants will be not-so-secretly insulting to the intelligence of the viewing audience.

Anyhow, this week’s main challenge will demand a lot of creativity: everyone will come up with a fairy tale princess, write her back story, design a look for her, and portray an animated sidekick who narrates her appearance on the runway. It’s the kind of assignment that presents the opportunity for unique, entertaining successes, but also dull, disappointing failures. After all, we’ve got shallow-ass queens like Kimora, who would be offended by this sentence because she thinks I’m saying she has a flat butt. For starters, she complains that Eureka’s Sewer Princess concept is something she’s never heard of, failing to realize that that is the literal definition of an innovative idea. The poor thing is lost without the ability to pay someone to create her look for her. More alarming still: she’s getting grammar lessons from Cynthia, who replaces one word in every sentence with “cucu” like she’s a fucking smurf.

s9e03 02Farrah is similarly at sea, both figuratively and literally: she’s one of several queens sticking to an aquatic theme, while even gluing cloth to a bra threatens to sink her. If only she had been asked to HIGHLIGHT a dress! And it’s not as though she doesn’t have assistance; Eureka does everything but physically carry Ms. Moan down the runway. (She’d make an adorable accessory, to be fair.) Thankfully, there are some more confident characters elsewhere. Aja, for instance, likes it uncut. (Meaning fabric, you whore. She makes her own costumes.) Speaking of costumes, Valentina does her interview with Ru in a turban and oversized sunglasses. It’s to avoid looking “completely crazy,” she says with the manic-yet-dead-eyed grin of someone assuring the cops that there are no body parts buried in her backyard.

The next day, Cynthia continues educating Kimora (a project that could easily consume her entire life if she’s not careful) by explaining the genesis of her… I’d say catchphrase, but it’s only one word. Elsewhere, Alexis brazenly asks if fans will be disappointed in how Aja looks without Facetune. It’s a downright rude question and I live for it. (But also, she thinks it doesn’t make that much of a difference? Girl. Please welcome to the runway Princess Delusion and her sidekick, Lies.) And speaking of rude: the extended segment on Pulse feels exploitative, so while I’m truly sorry for the losses our community suffered, I’m not here for grief porn.

s9e03 03On the main stage, Category Is: Underwhelming. The theme even extends to guest judges Todrick Hall and Cheyenne Jackson, who bring neither insight nor wit to a role requiring solely those two qualities. The one contestant to grab my attention is Sasha Velour, who creates a compelling, conceptual look and a rich mythology to support it, explained by a well-acted and well-differentiated companion. She’s safe. Peppermint’s piece makes it to the top because Ru can smell tragedy from a mile away and is biologically hardwired to make people relive their childhood traumas. The hunger in her eyes as she hears about the burning kitchen is unsettling, and I’m sure they edited out at least 20 minutes of probing questions aimed at wringing a tear or two out of the situation. It’s unclear why Valentina made it to the top for wearing a tulle-embellished bathing suit; maybe her Enzyte commercial smile gives her hypnotic mind control over others? I’m similarly suspicious of Trinity’s win, which seems as motivated by plot arc as it does by skill level. (Like, at the beginning of the episode, she said she wanted to win, and now she won. I guess the editors think I’ll find that fulfilling.)

s9e03 04The bottom three make sense, I suppose, but the bottom two do not. I do agree that Kimora should absolutely be lip syncing. The one-note joke of a princess who likes big bananas is so lame that even calling it a joke makes me feel complicit in something unsavory. Obviously she’s never put her spoiled girl money toward hired a writing teacher or an acting coach. And when Ru and Michelle couldn’t stop themselves from openly mocking her harrowing saga of appearing on the main stage without hip pads, it was clear she was in dire trouble. But she should have been up against Farrah: I think it’s better to sew something bad than to sew nothing at all. Aja’s look may have been suspect, but at least she worked instead of whined! But after last week’s B-52 bombers, Ru couldn’t allow another dull showdown, and Aja is known for her high-energy performances. The volcano princess may not have had a coherent fairy tale, but she comes through in the end by showing us what an eruption looks like, setting the night ablaze with her jump splits and death drops. The latest fashion trend: Blac is OUT this season.

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: Give Me an N! Give Me an O!

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This episode opens with a question that has tormented scientists and philosophers alike for centuries: are we ready for her cucu… again? Finally, we know the answer: we never could be. Cynthia Lee Fontaine’s return to the competition is more gloriously joyful and thoroughly nonsensical than we could have dreamed. She speaks in a shout that is at once guttural and shrill. It is the sound of our language’s grammar and syntax being run through a gay garbage disposal. It is the exact opposite of an ASMR video. But it is also auditory heroin: you don’t listen because it feels good, but because you need more with every molecule of your body.

s9e02 01The consensus among the contestants is that they’re glad Cynthia didn’t die, but not particularly excited that she’s here. Shea pointedly asks whether this is a joke or for real, not realizing that it is obviously both. Her concern that our returning queen has foreknowledge of the show is unfounded, however, because this is not a woman who knows things in the conventional sense of the word. Like, she’s a strong person who has excelled in her career and beaten cancer, but she is also a shaved meerkat with ass injections. Speaking of which: Kimora is positively desperate to compare butts with the newest contestant, perhaps under the mistaken impression that the winner will be chosen by a horny baboon in search of the roundest, reddest hind quarters. (Oh, y’all wanted a twist?!)

Even if she sits in the corner and picks her nose for the rest of the season, Cynthia will have justified her place in this race by starting her first full day with the world’s greatest quote: “I didn’t know this cucu was happening today.” It’s a Zen koan. Like, did she mean to throw shade at Robbie? Did she mean anything at all? Is it possible for the words coming from her mouth to ever have meaning? Did she literally not know that her ass would be joining her? Does she look behind her every time she walks through a door, just to be sure it’s still there? This is why we need her around, people. She should be the cohost of every reality TV show. If you don’t want to watch her and Mary Berry politely judge some Scottish grandmother’s meat pie, then you are outright wrong.

s9e02 02After an equally meaningless video message from Ru, we are teased with an all-too-brief visit from Lisa Kudrow. If you haven’t watched The Comeback, then you should; I have LOTS to say about that show, but we’re talking about this show right now. Anyhow, the girls have to divide into teams for a cheerleading challenge. Nina gets to be a captain for winning; Cynthia gets to be a captain for existing. Their choices end up having almost no effect, since the girls will all be judged individually anyway, but it gives us a chance to shade the people who get picked near the end. In this case, it’s “underdog” Jaymes Mansfield (those quotes were to indicate the fact that it was actually said, not to suggest that she isn’t an underdog), self-identified AARP member Charlie, and dead-last Valentina. Eureka thinks Valentina fell lowest in the pecking order because she’s only been doing drag for ten months, but I think it’s because she seems fake and unbearable. When she says she’s a superstar, she does so with the knowing cuteness of a girl who’s too old to still be doing children’s pageants, and it triggers my gag reflex.

As with any challenge where roles are assigned, we have to go through the pretend drama of recasting. It’s almost as if these people only met three days ago and haven’t yet figured out each other’s strengths! In this case, it’s Jaymes and Alexis waffling over who’s Snoozy and who’s the Floozy, though it quickly becomes clear that Ms. Mansfield is doomed to flounder regardless of which part she reads. Other than that, we don’t see a lot of conflict or struggle in rehearsal, presumably because there aren’t that many lines to learn, but also because the most difficult part of the task is yet to come.

s9e02 03You know that an assignment is tough when not one queen takes a moment to comment on the gaggle of handsome, leanly muscled young men with whom they’re about to get physical. While everyone assumed that this performance would be all rah-rahs and pom-poms, Ru is demanding lifts and tumbles. Charlie worries that she’s too old for this kind of shit, but pretty much everyone is feeling closer to death by the time their training is complete. Back in the workroom, however, Kimora adds to her list of grievances: in addition to cartwheels, she also hates wearing undergarments and stoning things and being a pleasant addition to the conversation. It’s unclear to her why people wouldn’t be impressed that she is too rich and pretty to have to demean herself with manual labor.

As always, the process of putting on make-up drives the queens to discuss their past tragedies. It’s just something in the air in the workroom. (Possibly the sound of producers’ voices.) First up, Peppermint segues from her cheerleading background into a story about how she was assaulted by a classmate. It’s not funny and I won’t try to make it funny. On the other side of the room, Trinity is desperately trying to make her questions about cancer sound as natural and unprompted as possible, but she couldn’t be less comfortable if someone was making her talk by shoving a hand up her ass like a Muppet. Cynthia rolls with it, however, because Muppet is her mother tongue. Oh, and Valentina gets a storyline about how weird it is that she’s praying to her Virgen de Guadalupe candle as if there aren’t a literal billion Catholics in the world.

s9e02 04When it comes time to suit up and throw down, there’s plenty of team spirit on display. Shea looks like a woman who could tackle an athletic challenge, but she’s matched pound for pound and then some by an impressively limber Eureka (whose aside about a popped knee is hopefully not foreshadowing about an impending medical problem). Valentina kills it at the acting, probably because she’s always acting. I feel like Aja probably also slayed this one, but she’s being given the Kandy Ho edit for some reason. On the lower end of the spectrum, Jaymes and Charlie earn themselves participation trophies, some rug burn, and little else.

After the why-it-gotta-be-white runway (which I won’t recap in its entirety because there are like 30 girls this season), the panel (including guest judges the B-52s) narrows the field to six finalists. Trinity is ostensibly one of the top performers, but other than being on top of the pyramid at the end, she doesn’t earn extensive praise. Shea is a powerhouse whether flipping through the fields or stomping across the stage, but it’s Valentina’s high-octane smile and blushing bridal realness that take the win. Another Zen koan to ponder: do the Catholic saints answer prayers about winning a cross-dressing queerbag competition that encourages greed, envy, jealousy, pride, and wrath?

s9e02 05Despite tumbling badly even for a drunk woman, Charlie skates by on her icy costume, leaving Kimora (who committed to neither her character nor the all-white theme) and Jaymes (who has been drowning on dry land since the cameras started rolling) to settle things the old-fashioned way. Though “Love Shack” is a high-energy camp-fast, neither competitor embraces the goofy-bordering-on-stupid vibe, and a double elimination seems like the best possible outcome. But She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Stoned ends up holding on by being marginally less atrocious, and she sends Ms. Mansfield to clomp away on her ever-present lazy two-inch heels. Ru says that we were all rooting for her, which is correct only in the sense that we’ve all had her pegged as the first to go home since the cast was announced. Hopefully she’ll cling to the memory of that time she said “I came in first” on her way out the door, which she can always look back on as her one success during her short time on the show.

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“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: The Edge of Snore-y

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First off: I’m glad Drag Race is back and I think the ninth season is going to be phenomenal. That said: this premiere was a fucking dud.

s9e01 02To get it out of the way: I have at least met all four NYC girls, and I’m slightly biased. That doesn’t mean the NYC girls aren’t all great. Peppermint is a legend, and her oceans of talent will help her even if her constant aura of radiant joy makes her an iffy fit for a VH1 reality show. Aja is a high-energy performer, a seamstress, and the master of shade: she’ll read you to your face in a way that has you laughing so hard you throw up, and then she’ll read you for puking all over yourself. The Broadway pageant style isn’t necessarily my cup of tea, but I have immense respect for Alexis Michelle and what she does. (Also she’s sweet as pie and Reddit collectively has a three-mile-long boner for her as a boy.) My money’s on Sasha Velour, though: she’s a real weirdo and a true original.

Which is not to say that there aren’t other early standouts. Shea Coulee immediately leaps to mind: she has the drive and confidence of someone whose psychic told her that she makes the top 3. I’m also into Eureka O’Hara, who has so much look and personality that the producers had to confiscate her last name. (Or maybe after All Stars 2, she was worried about the cosmic taint of a Phi Phi association?) Charlie Hides doesn’t necessarily wear her age with pride, but she’s worth watching, because experience matters in the world of drag. And even though Nina Bo’Nina Brown’s paint job makes me feel like I need new contact lenses, I’m impressed with her unique perspective. It’s amazing that she and Tammie Brown aren’t from the same drag family, because they’re definitely both from another planet.

s9e01 01Then there’s the crop of skinny, vapid girls. Their queen is Valentina, who speaks like a robot programmed by the most ardent musical theater fan in a midwestern high school. She sounds like she’s spent three years rehearsing every word she says, and yet she still couldn’t convince me that she only started drag ten months ago. Sure, Jan. The fact that she wears a beret and black turtleneck for her confessionals tells you everything you need to know, because that is a literal costume. Farrah Moan and Kimora Blac are both young, pretty Vegas queens, and there was absolutely no need to cast both of them on the same season. In fact, with each passing moment, I’m becoming more convinced that casting even one of them was an iffy concept. And then there’s Trinity Taylor. Her assertion that there’s “astigmatism” about her drag might not have been a mistake: you’d have to have vision problems to be that proud of plastic surgery that questionable.

Lastly, there’s poor lost lamb Jaymes Mansfield, who honestly should consider herself a winner if she makes it out of the competition alive.

The final contestant isn’t a contestant at all: guest judge Lady Gaga slinks into the workroom as if she’s the last queen, only to send the ladies into a frenzy when she reveals her true identity. Half of them are crying because she’s their lord and savior, but the other half are cheering because they’re certain that if she joined the competition, they could send her home.

s9e01 03To add to the fevered snapping and finger waving, Ru descends the stairs to make another reveal: no one will be sent home this week. It’s an interesting tactic that gives us more time to get to know everyone, but also a ridiculous one that removes every bit of tension from the episode and denies us the joy of a final lip sync. The two-part main challenge is similarly double-edged: on the one hand, we get to see everyone’s creativity (or lack thereof) when they serve hometown-styled looks, but on the other hand we’ll be bored to tears watching everyone recreate outfits Lady Gaga has already worn.

And even the good  half of the pageant has its share of missteps. Disproving the notion that New York is an artistic hub, Peppermint and Aja both serve lackluster takes on Lady Liberty, and Alexis features the statue on her shoddy creation. Trinity’s graffiti pinwheel is clearly the product of hours and hours of wasted effort. And Grandma Charlie botches the tearaway on her pilgrim presentation, but even with a seamless reveal, that look should have been buried under a rock. I’m assuming Jaymes has a terminal illness and is here because someone at the Make-A-Wish foundation pulled a few strings.

s9e01 04Kimora claims to be the youngest, hottest, skinniest queen in Vegas, somehow forgetting that she’s not even the youngest, hottest, skinniest Vegas queen in the cast. She and Farrah both look fine in their feathered headgear, though they both seem to have more money than taste. The best hat of the night is Shea’s hotdog masterpiece, followed closely by Valentina’s interpretation of the dudes on the subway who play Guantanamera on the accordion when you just want to get home from work in peace. Sasha’s need to explain the concept of art by carrying a bunch of art comes off as overeager, while Eureka’s garbage explosion suggests that she would rather the judges kept a healthy distance.

I’m not even acknowledging the second half of the pageant because verbatim recreations of someone else’s work hold literally zero interest for me. It reduces everyone to a clothes hanger. Instead, let’s jump ahead: after a montage of critiques that seem entirely disconnected from the eventual results, the win goes to Nina’s peach. She talks about the paint job as though she invented paper, so I want to congratulate her on her ingenuity while lightly reminding her that she isn’t exactly the first drag queen to get resourceful because of budgetary constraints. The victory earns her a cheap sash and ten seconds of celebration before a secret 14th hopeful is introduced… from behind. (Though if you’ve been reading the Reddit spoilers, you know that a behind is enough to identify this individual.)

s9e01 05It’s at this moment that Ru says the competition truly begins. Really? Now?! If that’s the case, then why did I watch the whole last hour? Next year, can we start the competition right from the beginning so we don’t waste everyone’s time? Just a thought.

Anyhow, next week I look forward to assignments that demand more than just a big budget, consequences for people’s epic failures, and an immediate four-way elimination of the people we know for sure aren’t going to take the crown. It’d be a mercy to the queens, to the audience, and to the production team that would no longer have to schedule around Jaymes and Farrah’s early bedtimes.

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All T All Shade All Stars: (W)rap It Up

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I’m writing this through a cloud of crippling depression because I can’t believe that this season is over. It was the best television I’ve ever watched, and I’m not sure what to do with myself now that it’s gone.

Speaking of over, Alyssa’s time in this competition has ended, and literally no one is happy out it. Even Detox cried, and it’s her fault! Hell, at this point, I’m surprised Roxxxy didn’t just volunteer to pack her shit. You know what helps her keep the weight off? The calories she burns by maintaining boundless optimism in the face of repeated, decisive failure. If she says she’s still here to win one more time, she’s going to collapse from exhaustion. And speaking of exhausting, the only thing more aggravating than seeing Alaska win every week is hearing her explain that she threw that tantrum because she’s so used to winning. Like, it’s hard for her to be in the bottom two because she’s really good at this and she wants to win. I realize that this isn’t RuPaul’s Best Friend Race, but GIRL. Girl. Girl.

01But by the following morning, everyone has forgotten that there were ever more than four girls in the competition. Only two things matter anymore. One: that they do well in the final challenge, and Two: that Michelle survives her careful walk down the stairs to explain it to them. This is why Ru visits the workroom in flats. Once Mama Face has made it back to sea level, she informs the ferocious finalists that they’ll be doing a performance marathon: each queen will write and record a rap verse, then they will then learn group choreography and perform the full song together on stage. In addition, they’ll be interviewed for the What’s the T? podcast, serve a final runway look, and share a speech explaining why they should take the crown. We know immediately that Detox will not win because, no matter how well she does, she must be punished for denying us the opportunity to see Alyssa Edwards go full lunatic on this assignment. Years from now, I’ll find myself lying awake at night with a weight in the pit of my stomach, still frustrated at how close we came to experiencing such true greatness.

Rather than track the episode chronologically, I’m just going to look at each contestant individually. It’s too choppy otherwise. Handle it.

We’ll start with Roxxxy, because the fact that she’s going home is just plain not a spoiler. Like: come on. She insists, while recording her verse, that we shouldn’t tell her she’s not Nicki Minaj. Normally I’d disobey, but her mental state must be exceptionally fragile right now, so you know what? You are, girl. You just are. Anyway, Nicki’s podcast interview is all about whether she was edited to look bad on her season; it’s basically a series of questions designed to papercut Phi Phi O’Hara to death. Ms. Minaj doesn’t embarrass herself in the final performance, but looking great in a jeweled bodysuit and a fan can’t hide the fact that she established permanent residence in the bottom two.

03Detox (who is also not winning; see above) demolishes the rap. Even AB Soto says so, and you know you can trust him because he’s completely unknown except for previous appearances on this show. (Though that low-cut sequin nightmare suit he’s wearing suggests that he’s exceptionally eager to get noticed more.) Continuing the season-long tradition of giving her no story arc whatsoever, she is asked only about her clothes during the interview. And while she was shaky on the chairs during rehearsal, she tears the group performance up. I can’t pinpoint why her chances of being crowned are so low, because she’s totally great, but there really is no way it’s happening for her.

Katya, on the other hand, has a real shot. Her rap is funny and allows her to use the Russian character that is only intermittently present during challenges. Since she’s the only person in the competition who’s not a member of Rolaskatox, she’s the only one who doesn’t have to waste time in her interview talking about Rolaskatox. And her supernatural flexibility, which puts the fear of God in her costars during rehearsal, allows her to give perhaps the most spectacular visuals of the group number.

06As for Alaska, she has a lot to deal with emotionally right now. It somehow just dawned on her that Rolaskatox has reunited, even though she has been asked about it literally every week. “Is Roxxxy here because of Rolaskatox?” “No, of course not, we’re just three best friends who have decided not to send each other home… fuck.” Yup, you “accidentally” formed an alliance. The best part is that she takes her suitcase to the other side of the room as if she can somehow change things on the last day of the game. That’s like burning a house down and then hoping you can undo it by blowing out the match. Of course, you can’t deny the strength of her delivery across the challenge: she’s good at recording, she’s good at talking, and she’s good at performing. It’s entirely possible that she’ll make it to the Hall of Fame. (Though with only two portraits hanging, it might just as well be a Closet of Fame.)

08

We should talk about the backlash against Alaska. Up until last episode, everyone was positive she was going to win. And I think that was the intention. Then, at the last minute, the producers were like, “Oh, it’s really obvious who’s going to win. We should spice it up by making it look like Katya might take it.” Only they swung the pendulum too far and overemphasized Alaska’s tantrums and negative attitude, and it backfired horribly, to the point where no one wanted her to even exist on the TV anymore. Her weakness is best illustrated by the speech she gave to the judging panel at the end. While her three competitors showed genuine emotion, becoming overwhelmed and struggling to get the words out and hesitating and generally being human, Alaska was a robot succubus: perfectly polished, impeccably rehearsed, and totally cold. If her tantrum had been counterbalanced with humility and gratitude and warmth, she would have been redeemed in the eyes of the audience. Unfortunately, she is cursed with a voice that sounds like a particularly insincere door being slowly opened, and her every word conveys the subtext that we can’t sit with her and her friends.

07This is made further apparent in the slow, sincere lip sync that follows. After Ru dismisses Roxxxy (since apparently nobody fucking else was going to), she challenges her girls to dip into the bountiful well of Gladys Knight’s longing on “If I Were Your Woman.” As usual, Detox does everything right and still can’t catch a break. Katya is similarly wonderful, but after stepping on a witch’s toe at a meet-and-greet, she was cursed to lose lip sync battles for the rest of her days. Alaska smears her make-up and thinks to herself, “is that what feelings are?” She legitimately might not know.

And then it’s time to crown a winner. And sure, Alaska refuses to give us access to her actual inner self. And sure, she’s the predictable choice. And sure, we were manipulated into thinking that Katya might take it because she has an arc and her deeply addled sense of humor makes her seem like someone else who got dismissed from the Cool Kids’ table. But in the end none of that matters because a) I’m pretty sure that this entire season was staged just to make sure that Alaska would win it, and b) she kicked this season’s ass. Her track record is outstanding, the diversity of her skill is unreal, and the drive and focus she displayed were borderline concerning. Let her have this one. Katya will be just fine.

09

Thanks for joining me all season, guys. I’ll be back in Season 9 to throw more shade than a solar eclipse. xoxo, Ariel Italic

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All T All Shade All Stars: Genetic Makeup Lesson

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01In the wake of Tatianna’s dismissal, Alaska works very hard to let everyone know that friendship had nothing to do with the fact that her friend is still in the competition. Sure, Katya would have sent Roxxxy home. Sure, Roxxxy was ready to go home. And sure, we’re acting as though lending someone a shirt is both an exceedingly kind act and a criterion for success in this competition. (Side note: why does the patron saint of thick-and-juiciness have a tacky bedazzled crop top that fits Alaska’s gaunt frame? Did she think they’d be giving makeovers to middle schoolers?) This suspicious line of reasoning leads into a discussion of how many wins each contestant has had (and in Detox’s case, how viable those previous wins were, because obviously a talking trash can is the best idea in the world and any judging panel that can’t see that should be fed into a singing garbage disposal). After the tally, the real reason for last week’s elimination becomes clear: no one has more than two wins and Alaska has four, so she can do whatever the Thunderfuck 5000 she wants.

The following day, Alyssa looks positively shook at Ru’s entry into the workroom. I hope they lifted this shot out of context, because if not, then we have to give her a lot more credit as a competitor. She forgets the format of the show every night when she goes to sleep, or maybe doesn’t recognize patterns and lacks predictive abilities, and still kills it despite this handicap! Clap for that Memento-ass hooker. Anyway, our surprise-even-though-her-name-is-in-the-title-of-the-show host is here to let the girls know that each of them has a family member visiting, and the maxi challenge will be putting them into drag.

03Katya and her mom are literally the only pair that do not share a tear-moistened moment during this episode, and let me tell you, it’s a downer. Alaska’s family escapes with only the barest minimum of sincerity; other than Mama Pam’s briefly misty thankfulness that Alaska is no longer involved with doing drugs or sharing needles, they’re mostly just mentally spending that $100,000. Even Roxxxy and the super-adorable grandmother who raised her bring the waterworks mainly in bus-related flashbacks. But, in a moment of deadly synchronicity that the editors must have thrown themselves a party over, both Detox and Alyssa are circling the anniversary of the death of a parent, and both of them have plenty of sibling-on-sibling sobbing to do. I’m not gonna lie: in addition to dampening the mood, it makes my job as a recapper really hard. There’s simply nothing humorous about this situation.

As a palate cleanser before the mainstage, Ru invites in Anastasia Soara, who I guess only agreed to provide this season’s make-up if she could be shown on screen applying her product to select members of the over-tweezed masses. The brow tutorial she offers is too brief to be useful to the viewers at home, too subtle to help the queens in the competition, and too bougie for the Texan and Bostonian on whom she demonstrates. I accept the inclusion of this sequence (no Roxxxy, the other sequence) only because for a few minutes no one is weeping.

02Speaking of people who don’t make me weep: Aubrey Plaza’s decision to introduce herself with a really dark quip about her impending suicide instantly cements her as one of my favorite judges of all time. That one sentence secures her a ranking that Carson Kressley hasn’t earned over multiple full seasons. It’s a shame that she has to be subjected to the full performance of five “vogue” numbers that Ru made the girls choreograph at the last minute. They must have been really dull, because we only see about ten seconds of each, even though they were important enough at the time of filming to merit a god damned costume change (which is no small thing when you have to find or make a second coordinating outfit for a partner of dissimilar size).

The actual runway presentations vary greatly. Surprising no one (except perhaps herself, since she doesn’t understand how a repeating sequence works… different sequence, Roxxxy), Alyssa is both critiqued and applauded for piling garbage on top of garbage until her body is vaguely covered and then calling it an outfit. If Phi Phi had worn even one of the many pseudo-garments the Edwards family has trotted out, Ru would have gotten out from behind the sweatpants-hiding table to slap her silly. Alaska is given her first harsh critique of the competition for looking like a mother and daughter who thought it would be cute to go out as drag queens for Halloween. Detox receives a great deal of praise for a family resemblance that exists largely because of genetics and her bold decision to leave her nose as her one surgically unaltered feature, but the looks she serves are indeed on point. And Roxxxy’s grandma is the cutest person ever to stomp this runway, but there’s no stopping the derailed train of Katya and her peasant babushka: their combined comedic storytelling talents leave the rest of the crew out in the bitter Russian cold.

05

The choice of Detox and Katya as winners is a no-brainer, but Ru’s edict that all of the remaining three are possible losers makes the backstage deliberations a little more complicated. Alaska was empirically the worst, but has by far the best track record. Alyssa has been solid the entire time. WOXXXY IS MY FWEND. How can anyone be asked to pick who deserves to goes home? It’s obviously impossible, and not made any easier when Thunderfuck the Victorious “jokingly” offers to pay $10,000 for a spot in the finale. Note to future contestants: I will accept $10,000 to say only nice things about you for an entire season of recaps. Want me to spin your backstage temper tantrum as a genius move or call your thirsty wig avant garde? I’ll do it.

06Having selected their lipsticks, the top two return to the stage for their lip sync battle to Ru’s new single. Huh, what a weird coincidence. Anyway, the showdown looks pretty close to me, and at this point I feel like Katya deserves the top spot just as a courtesy. The host and executive producer (whoever they are… probably the same boobs who pick the lip sync songs) give Detox the doulas and allow her to evict one she-clown from the premises. And wouldn’t you know it? She doesn’t pick Roxxxy or Alaska! Not even Alyssa, She of the Hindered Foresight, is surprised by this one. Ever the pageant queen, Ms. Edwards of Texas makes her exit with grace, dignity, and the hint of otherworldly mania that we love her for. Next week is the finale, and it will be worse without her for sure.

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